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What do I want? I guess, I want to be at peace with myself, I never feel satisfied, I never feel settled. I guess I want to unravel myself, I want to understand myself. I hope you can understand me, and at the same time, I'm afraid too. When someone tells me who I am, I get horribly terrified. In fact, I want to be mysterious, incomprehensible. I want to be something valuable, to be recognized, to be accepted as being special, so I must keep working, but I don't really know what I'm expecting from it. Every time I achieve something, I feel a void inside. I constantly think that the next thing will make me happy, but it never does. So I'm afraid of being alone, that's why I've put on a mask of achievements and necessary humility to not push people away. Yes, I love crowds. I want them to see the real me, or at least, I think so. But if they truly love the real me, I think there's something wrong with them, that's why I've had a series of "relationships." Deep down, I don't want change. Whenever something bad happens, there's a kind of change, and it ultimately ends when something good happens. So, do any of these have any meaning? That's why I focus on myself. Why should I care about anything else? These are problems people have in early stages and, as a result, they have destructive life patterns. For example, someone who was abused by their father might develop a schema of distrust and believe that others will harm them and plan something against them, and this cycle repeats. They always think someone is plotting against them or will do something to harm them, and it becomes a self-destructive pattern. Okay, the world is a big scary place, especially as a child. I was quite a fearful child, so I adopted certain ways to cope. Why? Because I am a biological being that shows every effort to protect myself. These adaptations, these coping mechanisms, are a broad system of thought that helps me understand who I am and my present self. I have to be perfect to be lovable or the world is dangerous. Of course, as I age, these become less useful, but I do my best to strengthen them because they are truly mine. I avoid things that could contradict these schemas or launch counterattacks when I feel bad, so I can easily escape. What matters, or at least, when I'm in a community, I can work hard to prove that I feel bad about myself. So, what about when I travel, when I think about running away somewhere or the cliché stories of people coming back changed after visiting monasteries? Why? When you travel, your ability to escape and counterattack is somewhat disrupted. You find yourself in a new environment with different people and a different culture, and sometimes you simply have to deal with it. During long flights, you have to sit and deal with yourself and your emotions, and you have to adapt to unexpected situations. This is reflected in many different religions, suggesting that the salvation or enlightenment of the soul depends on voluntarily reducing the ignorance of the soul. The thing that will save you can only be found within yourself, and this insight should stop your efforts to escape pain and satisfy all desires.

 

Here is a classic existential despair state, those moments when you realize that nothing matters, and I've been dealing with this for a while. It's kind of a fun situation; you can do things like smoking, listening to jazz music, and wearing trench coats, but as you dwell on this vague anxiety, it becomes sharper and takes on its own unique form of fear.

 

Yesterday, while looking at myself in the mirror, I came to the conclusion that I don't really have any reason to love myself. So, I gazed at myself a little longer and remembered that I genuinely love myself, I am affected by my own existence, and I have this expectation that people will approve of it. However, I couldn't honestly say "I love you" to myself. This is the fear itself lurking deep inside – I don't love myself; I am bad, fundamentally flawed, and if someone were to know the real me, they would reject me, so I don't deserve love. Somehow, I am imperfect, and this belief has become the driving force guiding much of my life. I don't know when and where this disconnection happened, although I do have memories of a time when I was okay with myself, but knowing that my worth has been conditional and fragile until now has affected every relationship I've had.

 

I found myself in a paradox with partners with whom I felt the strongest chemistry. Chemistry is, in fact, a combination of fear and desire, and naturally, I belittle partners who see value in me. I somehow see those who can still see my true personality and accept me as flawed and worthless. Later, if they really love me, I would probably assume that there must be something wrong with them, and I would end up thinking that I need to terminate the relationship.

 

It was interesting that my imperfection also serves as shame, such deep shame that it tells me my existence is fundamentally wrong. So, I must maintain an impressive facade to cover my existence, and I protect myself under an aloof and unique attitude mask that implies it's easy or natural for me. This is to safeguard myself from being truly found out and to protect against the potential rejection of others, so I keep people at a distance, neglect those I love. Interestingly, in society, imperfections create miracles. I can hide my flaws with rewards and applause. But this doesn't help, there is a discrepancy between the success I experience and my true feelings about myself. Additionally, the pressure to maintain such a mask could be overwhelming.

 

When I am at my best, I believe I will be loved. Like No Face in Spirited Away, a spirit that rapidly adapts to the personalities of those who love it, but over time and consumed by greed, it turns into a hideous and insatiable monster, it is also vulnerably reliant on others' judgments, I have become attached to a constantly shifting and relative source of self-esteem, adopting the attitudes of the society I was born into. My identity becomes changeable, like a chameleon, and I struggle to establish personal values or a meaningful orientation in life. My life resembles a platform game a bit. I have to constantly jump from one external validation source to another to maintain balance, and sometimes the leaps are too big or I make mistakes and fall. It feels like I'm dying. There's never stability. I don't feel safe in a situation where I feel good about myself. It's an endless and addictive journey to keep pushing myself towards higher levels of validation and self-esteem. Of course, this stems from the fear of being unloved, and as I said, I ultimately know that I won't be loved, but as a social creature, I still need to feel something.

 

Growing up, I perceived love as worship, approval, and success, which provided an easy passage to at least some forms of achievement. In our inner world, unhappiness and mischief intertwine, so being acknowledged as a great figure from the outside is satisfying. It's a longing for position, prestige, and power, a desire to be recognized as someone important by society in some way. This is a desire to dominate others, and it's a form of aggression, and isn't the reason for this aggression fear? Here, if I can say to myself that I won't be loved or am unlovable, have I truly accepted my imperfection? If I have, accepting the idea that "no one will love you or you are unlovable" would lead me down a dark path. Yet, I still hold on to hope in general, hoping that someday there will be something that will prove my worth.

 

On a daily basis, I convince myself that this imperfection can be resolved through validation, in some way. Yes, for a while, I experienced a small sense of happiness by impressing people, receiving compliments and praise. But like any addiction, validation became not a desire but a necessity just to survive. It essentially became a basic need to feel good about myself. We are a storm of united imperfection and mischief due to the fear of meeting a stranger. So, being acknowledged as a significant figure by society is satisfying. It is a longing for position, prestige, and power, a desire to be recognized as someone important by society in some way. This is a desire to dominate others, and it's a form of aggression, and isn't the reason for this aggression fear? Look there, look at the jumping men. Have I truly accepted my imperfection? If I have, being willing to say "no one will love you or you are unlovable" would lead me down a dark path. However, I still hold on to hope in general, believing that someday there will be something that will prove my worth.

Sisyphus